Life

Who am I?

Today I want to do a completely different post, because I have some thought rolling around in my head, and I need to get them out.

Conversations I’ve had, verses I’ve read, numerous things have contributed to this. I’d love to hear from you!

This morning I had a conversation with my daughters about trusting God. From the devotional that we read, “Whatever you give unreservedly to God, He will take. Whatever God takes, He will cleanse. What He cleanses, He fills, and what He fills, He will always use.”  from Diamonds in the Dust by Joni Eareckson Tada.

After reading this, I asked them, why is it so hard for us to give unreservedly to God? Why do we want to keep back parts of ourself? In my humanness, I think it is because it feels safer. And yet, that is absolutely ridiculous. Because we know that God loves us, He loves me, He sees the bigger picture, and He knows what it will take for us to become who He wants us to be.

And then, I also read these verses: For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:13-14

I’ve read these verses many times. I believe that the Bible is true. And yet, deep in my innermost heart, I’ve questioned these verses. I’ve struggled so much with believing that God didn’t really make me ‘fearfully and wonderfully’.

You see, I know all too well my weaknesses. My struggles. My humanness. I want to be perfect, do it all right, be worthy of love, show the world that I know what I’m doing, that I have my act together, you get the picture. But deep down in, I  know that’s only a front. That’s not who I really am. Some days, it feels like it’s all I can do to keep moving. I’d rather give up. Surely God could have done better when He made me?!!

(please tell me I’m not alone in feeling this way!!)

 

And yet, when I stop and read verses like these in Psalm 139, I know that I have been telling myself lies! I have said them to myself so long that they have become a part of my belief system. And that is wrong! I want to let go of that and allow God to work through me.

Only in recognizing God for who He is, can I really see myself for who I am, and accept myself how He made me.

One more thing that I read recently that really resonated with me– this is especially true for those of us who grow up in Christian homes. We are taught to show love to others, to be kind to others, and all of that. But somehow, we are not taught to be kind to ourselves. And that, THAT, can sometimes be the hardest lesson of all.

 

 

 

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